Sunday, April 28, 2013

What to Expect When You're Expecting

Some of you may be familiar with Krusty the Clown's literacy program which encourages kids to "Give a hoot... Read a book!"

As soon as you tell someone you're expecting, they ask you:
1.) When are you due?
2.) Have you read "What to Expect When You're Expecting"?

Apparently, the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book is to a pregnant woman what Linus' blanket is to Linus (...the Linus from Charles Shultz's Peanuts gang, not Linus from the movie "Sabrina."  Not that I've ever watched "Sabrina"...)

THIS Linus
...not the Linus from 1954's "Sabrina" (above)... or the Linus from the 1995 version of "Sabrina" starring Han Solo.

Anyway, like Linus' blanket, this book is supposed to be comforting, reassuring, and destined to be dragged around and worn out.

I noticed that there are several books out there that focus on the expectant mother.  I decided to perform research of my own to find books geared toward the expectant father.  The following are a few of the books I've found, and my commentary on each:

If being an expectant father means I have to buy a hideous shirt like this,  I'll pass.
"This is the worst-looking shirt I ever saw!  What, when you buy a shirt like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?  Oh, it looks good on you though."

I previously purchased this book about a year after the Atomic Wife and I got married, however I archived it on the bookshelf when I realized it was about pregnancy.  (Rimshot!  BA-DUM-TSSSSH!)  (Atomic Wife: This is a joke.  Readers: If you don't see any posts after today, call 9-1-1 and/or watch for a future story about what happened to me on the Investigation Discovery Channel.)

Contrary to the title, this book has nothing to do with pregnancy or penguins.

While an expectorant (and it has a picture of a phlegm child on the box), Mucinex For Kids has nothing to do with expecting a baby.
As a side note: If I ever start a rock band, I think I might call it "Mucinex and the Expectorants" or "Phlegm Child".  I can see it now: FADE IN: A rock concert.  The crowd is going wild.  "Heeeelllooooo Cleveland!  Are you ready to rock!!? WE are Mucinex and the Expectorants, and this is our hit song '12 Granule Packets'! 1-2-3-4!"  (CUT TO: Pyrotechnics bigger than any KISS concert.)

Finally: If you have any book recommendations for expectant dads (besides "What to Expect When You're an Expectant Dad Expecting a Penguin Baby From An Expanding Wife with Bubble Gum Flavored Great Expectations, 2nd Edition" by Dr. Han Solo and the Phlegm Children), please leave a comment below.

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