Sunday, April 28, 2013

What to Expect When You're Expecting

Some of you may be familiar with Krusty the Clown's literacy program which encourages kids to "Give a hoot... Read a book!"

As soon as you tell someone you're expecting, they ask you:
1.) When are you due?
2.) Have you read "What to Expect When You're Expecting"?

Apparently, the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book is to a pregnant woman what Linus' blanket is to Linus (...the Linus from Charles Shultz's Peanuts gang, not Linus from the movie "Sabrina."  Not that I've ever watched "Sabrina"...)

THIS Linus
...not the Linus from 1954's "Sabrina" (above)... or the Linus from the 1995 version of "Sabrina" starring Han Solo.

Anyway, like Linus' blanket, this book is supposed to be comforting, reassuring, and destined to be dragged around and worn out.

I noticed that there are several books out there that focus on the expectant mother.  I decided to perform research of my own to find books geared toward the expectant father.  The following are a few of the books I've found, and my commentary on each:

If being an expectant father means I have to buy a hideous shirt like this,  I'll pass.
"This is the worst-looking shirt I ever saw!  What, when you buy a shirt like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?  Oh, it looks good on you though."

I previously purchased this book about a year after the Atomic Wife and I got married, however I archived it on the bookshelf when I realized it was about pregnancy.  (Rimshot!  BA-DUM-TSSSSH!)  (Atomic Wife: This is a joke.  Readers: If you don't see any posts after today, call 9-1-1 and/or watch for a future story about what happened to me on the Investigation Discovery Channel.)

Contrary to the title, this book has nothing to do with pregnancy or penguins.

While an expectorant (and it has a picture of a phlegm child on the box), Mucinex For Kids has nothing to do with expecting a baby.
As a side note: If I ever start a rock band, I think I might call it "Mucinex and the Expectorants" or "Phlegm Child".  I can see it now: FADE IN: A rock concert.  The crowd is going wild.  "Heeeelllooooo Cleveland!  Are you ready to rock!!? WE are Mucinex and the Expectorants, and this is our hit song '12 Granule Packets'! 1-2-3-4!"  (CUT TO: Pyrotechnics bigger than any KISS concert.)

Finally: If you have any book recommendations for expectant dads (besides "What to Expect When You're an Expectant Dad Expecting a Penguin Baby From An Expanding Wife with Bubble Gum Flavored Great Expectations, 2nd Edition" by Dr. Han Solo and the Phlegm Children), please leave a comment below.

Friday, April 26, 2013

I'm a sucker for technology

There.  I said it.  I'm a sucker for technology, especially when it's something as money as the GoPro helmet cam.

In one of my previous posts, I talked about having the GoPro in the delivery room.  Now I just need to figure out whose head to put it on: mine or hers.

I'll discuss diaper changing in a future blog entry.  Right now, I have no idea how to change a diaper... but based on this footage, it looks like you need a diaper, baby wipes, something from a tube... and a GoPro.  I'll have to add it to the registry.  For the baby.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

What's in a name?

While delivering the famous "O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou, Romeo" soliloquy in the 1968 movie version of "Romeo and Juliet", actress Olivia Hussey (playing the role of Juliet) asks "What's in a name?"  With a name like Olivia Hussey, she's one to talk.  I mean, seriously.  Olivia Hussey.  Middle name?  Issa.

Names are important.  You would think that parents would think before naming their kid.  The Atomic Wife and I are still discussing names for the baby, and are hoping to pick one that won't haunt the kid for the rest of his or her life... or at least won't get them ridiculed in their high school yearbook like these poor bastards...

and my favorite....

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Buy Buy Baby

The other night, the Atomic Wife and I visited a store called Buy Buy Baby.  In the same fashion as Stein Mart (which does not sell steins) and Crate & Barrel (which sells neither crates nor barrels), Buy Buy Baby does not sell babies.  What they do sell, however, is everything and anything you need for your baby and/or toddler.  (I had to ask one of the employees what a toddler was... and I looked it up on Wikipedia as I'm typing this to make sure she wasn't messing with me.)  I got schooled on the various types of strollers (4-wheel vs. 3-wheel), car seats (who knew there were so many different types?  Not me.), gliders, cribs, and mattresses.  2 1/2 hours later, we walked out of there looking like zombies... and we didn't even get through 1/2 the store!  If Rick, Daryl, and Hershel saw me walking out of that store, they'd probably put an arrow through my eye socket.

Here's a photo I took of the stroller and car seat section:

After looking at this picture, I know what you're thinking.  My response is: "That's what she said."

We found a stroller that we both liked.  It's called a B.O.B. (which stands for "Beast of Burden", not "Baby on Board".  Seriously.)  It has 3-wheel motion... not the type that gets Ice Cube "mo bounce to the ounce" in his 64' Impala.  I'm talkin' 3 wheels... inflatable wheels.  No daytime running lights and no speedometer, but it does have optional cup holders for my 40oz of Colt 45.  "If the fo' don't getcha, the five will."  If the baby is a boy, maybe we'll name him Billy Dee... or Lando.  Yes, Lando!  (The aforementioned is a prime example of how my mind gets off track.  Somehow, we went from Babies --> Strollers --> Cupholders --> Colt 45 Malt Liquor --> Billy Dee Williams.  Poor kid.  Poor Lando.)

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Things that make me laugh:

I hope that our kid has a good sense of humor... and by "good sense of humor", I mean: Laughs at the same things I do.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

The Adventure Begins

So, it's April 20th, 2013.  This means a few things:

1. I'm starting a blog.  Your probably thinking, "How 21st Century!"  Or you're wondering if my interest in this blog will last as long as my interest in starting up a gourmet pickles company.  (It'll happen someday, just not right now.)  Now that the Atomic Wife is pregnant, I thought I'd start a blog to track our adventure through pregnancy, and our ever-growing knowledge about baby-related things we currently know nothing about (i.e. everything).

2. The baby is due in 184 days.  Speaking of not knowing anything: I have 184 days to learn how to change a diaper, and 184 days to learn how to actually hold a baby.  That's right, I'm a grown man, and don't know how to hold a baby.  People always ask me if I want to hold their baby.  Then right before they hand the baby over to you, everyone in the room starts shouting "SUPPORT THE HEAD!" (like I know how to support the head).  That's about all I know about holding a baby.  You need to support the head.

3. Last night, I had to Google "How do you put an infant in the grocery store cart?"  I still don't know.  The grocery cart doesn't have anything to support the head.

4. Is it wrong that I want to wear my GoPro helmet cam in the delivery room?

5. I looked online at strollers.  I found one with a speedometer and daytime running lights.  You think I'm kidding?  At least it has cup holders.  Still don't know if it has something built-in to support the head.


Join me on my journey.  Or else.

-Atomic Dad